Enjoying Conversation with Strangers (from my Journal)

Here is something I wrote in my journal today.

In my journal I normally work through any incongruencies I find within myself when trying to achieve a new goal.

I also thought it might be useful to see how a journal can be used to help you get yourself closer to your goals.

This journal post is trying to figure out some mindsets that will help me achieve one of my major goals at the moment, which is to be able to enjoy myself socially a lot more.

NOTE: It is slightly edited, but only to make sure most of it was understandable.

So off we go...




Sticking point: currently I often find that with strangers I cannot think of new things to talk about. How do I overcome this problem?

Phrase it positively

How can I think of more things to talk about with strangers?

Is it a skill problem, or more of a inner game problem?

I believe the answer to this question lies in the thought patterns.

Quite often I actually do think of things to say but I still won’t say them, so I therefore believe the problem lies elsewhere. When I’m outside my head (slang for being extroverted and in the moment) or drunk I don’t have a problem thinking of things to say.

What is going through the head of a really social guy when he starts generating conversation?

He just says things that come into his head, without hesitation.

Maybe I’m killing off all my conversational thought patterns before I allow them to become conscious.

I believe the difference between social guys and not-social guys is that their thought patterns are different. A social guy will not experience thought patterns saying “oh what do they think of me” etc. They are just in the moment. Non-social guys have thought patterns that do not produce conversation – a thought pattern of “what should I say next…erm, I wonder what they’re thinking, is it acceptable for me to say this” is not producing conversation. A thought pattern like this is putting them farther inside their head (being introverted) and therefore even though it appears it’s leading to making conversation it is in fact doing the opposite. The solution is to JUST SAY SOMETHING or at minimum just be at the tip of your tongue ready to speak.

Social guys are also not seeking a reaction (because they’re outside their head) therefore they don’t need other people’s attention to get started. Quite often I notice social people halfway through telling a story to me because I wasn’t paying attention, but I still enjoy the story they tell me once I start listening and I’m sure they enjoyed the whole thing as well.

So how do they create laughter out of just their everyday boring thought patterns?

Firstly, humour is sub-communicated, therefore they make it just by the way they tell their stories.

Also humour has a funny way of making itself known when the mindset is right.

But what about “A-class” humour that gets massive laughs?

Real “A-class” humour is a skill. This I believe is the level of humour that can be said by just about anyone and will get laughs. I therefore believe this is a skill, because it does not require a good set of internal beliefs. However, there are plenty of really cool social guys out there who will never produce any “A-class” humour, but they still have an awesome time socially.

In terms of enjoying one’s self socially I therefore believe “A-class” humour is only the cream on top, whereas a good quality time is produced naturally from the right mindset that comes from continous study, observation, self-evaluation (like this) and PRACTISE.

The big change I’m going to make now is to cut-off all thought patterns of “what should I say”, etc, that only put me further inside my head.